Talking

Over the years, I’ve used this blog as well as others to periodically post photos and little snippets of my life and travels. Nothing very comprehensive came from it and lots of times it has died and been revived.

The past couple of months have been tough ones for me mentally, and I’m here to be candid and talk about it.

Going through my dark days is never an easy task. I went through something similar years ago and the same results occur. I cut myself off from the outside world, go into a deep hole of depression, and wonder when I will come out again. Waking up in the morning becomes agony. The sun is too bright, my body is sore and aching, and a migraine is pushing its way through the back of my head.

Day by day my mind and body become weaker. I’m continuously tired, on the verge of tears, one small comment or slight sends me whirling into a stream of rapidfire emotions. I lose sense of up and down and my place in the world. Everything is spinning out of control.

It’s a cat and mouse game with my brain and my mental state. What hurts most is the isolation. The pressing sense of loneliness and abandonment I put on myself. I watch the world go by, relationships develop, experiences had, while I can barely manage to drag myself out of bed in the morning. Why am I like this? Why can’t I be “normal”? Why can’t I connect with people?

Today I am doing better. I am writing about it and talking about it. I’m jumping from one place to another, but I’m trying my best to express. Tomorrow might not be the same. I could be better or I could be much worse. But the first step is taken. And many steps will be taken after, whether forward or backward. It’s a process. Over and over and over again. Reboot, recode, redo.

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